The mask at hand

To mask or not to mask? That is the obnoxious question.

The one-year anniversary of our failed two-week campaign to flatten the curve has come and gone, and I thought that I would write about the lessons I learned from this pandemic. For example, I vote that we abolish one-way shopping aisles and replace them with to-go margaritas — forever.

However, when I sat down to write, one issue dominated my word count: masks. And if there is anything that this world sorely lacks, it’s another opinion about masks.

The root of our mask debate stemmed from the pisspoor communications of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Initially, CDC guidance sounded like those old Trix commercials: “Silly citizens — masks are for docs!” Understandably, there was a shortage of surgical-level masks, so rationing to avoid panic purchasing made sense — especially considering how calmly we handled toilet paper.

Then, the CDC took mixed messaging to new confusing heights. First, everybody should wear masks but not the cloth ones, because those don’t work. Then, cloth masks were fine in a pinch. Recently, the CDC started recommending two masks, replacing Trix branding for a remix of the Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum jingle: “No single mask double covers your mouth like double mask, double mask… dumb.”

I understand how guidance adapts as scientific research obtains new data and findings, but the CDC’s messaging was as reliable as a Texan substation in the middle of winter.

This inconsistent messaging fueled a flame war in an age of political polarization. The mask became either 1) the most patriotic piece of fabric since Uncle Sam sported an N95 or 2) a tyrannical muzzle that inhibited our ability to breathe because it pinched our oxygen tube. People almost literally wore their politics — or didn’t wear them at all.

And the flip side of this politicization provided weird strawman caricatures of the “other side.”

“You maskless covidiots are murdering grandparents worldwide,” said the masked. “Have you no shame?”

“Well, you sanctimonious maskholes are just scaredy cats,” the maskless retorted. “You probably cower under your couch every time you hear the thud of another Amazon box dropped on your porch.”

Enforcement of mask mandates varied, too. Driving this mixed response was the over-inflated authority of our nation’s governors and their disproportionate use of it. The spectrum seemed to run from Governor Ron “Florida Man” DeSantis encouraging Sunshine Staters to lick doorknobs just to “own the libs” to our very own Governor Jared Polis implementing a 30-day mandate that had more extensions than a wig factory.

As an opponent to mass incarceration, I am ok with lackluster enforcement. Just imagine what a nation of full-scale mask mandates, backed by police power, would look like. If law enforcement slapped handcuffs on the maskless, our already-overcrowded prisons would resemble a Mumbian train car with prisoners hanging out windows and balancing on rooftops.

My palms get sweaty enough when I see blue and red lights in my rearview. Plus, when coupled with eyeglasses, masks seem to produce a permanent state of fog for our four-eyed friends. Environmentalists should fight these mandates if only to mitigate this massive influx of body humidity that will disrupt local ecosystems.

Plus, I never understood the cognitive dissonance of demanding a mask mandate while also ascribing to the “defund the police” movement. Who exactly are we expecting to enforce these mandates? Is the pimple-faced grocery clerk expected to tell that 300-pound Hell’s Angel to mask up?

Also, I never understood the mask hesitancy of the conspiracy-inclined crowd. What better way to avoid Deep State surveillance and Big Tech facial-recognition software than by wearing your Halloween costume year-round?

Personally, I wore the mask but not for or against any of the aforementioned fallacies. Sure, it is uncomfortable, but it is a minor inconvenient trade-off to avoid being an asymptomatic Typhoid Mary. Also, I preferred to remain respectful toward the business community. I equated it to the “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy. I still remain steadfast that going pantless fully complies with this age-old guideline, but I digress.

Masks aren’t going away for the foreseeable future, and yet I still have so many questions. Should we normalize mask wearing for future viruses? If so, can we test the efficacy of something more fun to wear, like those getups that Mexican luchadores wear? What do we do when we get vaccinated for COVID-19? Are we supposed to wear them despite our immunity? Or do we do that haphazard style where you cover your jaw instead of your mouth and nose — or is that reserved for people who are so full of it that they need a proverbial diaper for their chin?

Whatever the future brings, let’s hope these masks don’t inhibit our ability to consume more to-go margaritas. We’re going to need them.