Schrödinger’s Conservative vs. Schrödinger’s Progressive

What happens if we applied Schrödinger’s thought experiment to modern politics?

Erwin Schrödinger is probably the last guy you want to take care of your cats while you’re away.

Schrödinger, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, designed a thought experiment to explain the “paradox of quantum superposition.” (Or, in layman’s terms, “don’t look at me; I’m not a physicist.”) Long story short, Schrödinger hypothesized locking up a cat inside a box with a Geiger counter, a hammer, and a vial of poison. You know — normal stuff that all cat owners keep lying around the house.

If the Geiger counter detects the slightest amount of radioactivity, it triggers the hammer to smash the vial, thus killing the cat. However, since this event takes place inside the box without our ability to witness it, Schrödinger’s Cat can be thought of as being both dead and alive at the same time.

I guess that you can say that Schrödinger was more of a dog guy.

Had Schrödinger lived to see today (that is, if PETA hadn’t already sued the pants off of him), he might have applied his thought experiment to modern politics. Today, we have two unique political creatures — Schrödinger’s Conservative and Schrödinger’s Progressive — who appear to be superposed in paradoxical states of existence.

Schrödinger’s Conservative is both indifferent and heedful of federal guidance.

“I don’t give a hoot about what the federal government says about masks, social distancing, and other CDC-sponsored propaganda,” said Schrödinger’s Conservative. “Also, why would I take a vaccine that hasn’t been fully approved by the federal government?”

Schrödinger’s Progressive is both stingy and generous with health care.

“Taxpayers shouldn’t bear the financial burden of medical treatment for the unvaccinated,” said Schrödinger’s Progressive. “Also, health care is a fundamental human right — no matter the cost.”

Schrödinger’s Conservative is both paranoid about and unperturbed by COVID-19.

“COVID-19 is a genetically engineered bioweapon that was coordinated and manufactured by the Deep State and China to scare people into giving up their civil liberties,” said Schrödinger’s Conservative. “Also, most of y’all are overreacting because it’s basically just the flu.”

Schrödinger’s Progressive is both fiscally spendthrift and penny-pinching.

“Inflation, deficits, and debts aren’t an issue anymore, so we should pump trillions of dollars into stimulus bills, unemployment insurance, and infrastructure development,” said Schrödinger’s Progressive. “Also, I’m concerned about our dwindling federal cash flow, so we must tax the bejeezus out of the uber-rich and mega-corporations so that they pay their ‘fair share.’”

Schrödinger’s Conservative is both discouraging and encouraging of dissent.

“If you hate America, you should leave,” said Schrödinger’s Conservative. “Also, if you hate living in one of them s — hole countries, you should stay and fight.”

Schrödinger’s Progressive is both cosmopolitan and provincial with foreign nationals.

“Trump was a xenophobe,” said Schrödinger’s Progressive. “Also, Biden’s immigration and refugee policies — replacing cages that once housed migrant children with “detention facilities” and achieving a new historical low in refugee admissions — are a breath of fresh air.”

Schrödinger’s Conservative is both rebellious against and compliant with the government.

“It is every patriot’s duty to never comply with tyrannical government — no matter what,” said Schrödinger’s Conservative. “Also, as long as you don’t resist arrest and just comply with armed government agents, you have nothing to worry about.”

Schrödinger’s Progressive is both skeptical and credulous about armed rebellion.

“If you think that your little AR-15 is enough to take down a nuclearly armed government, then you are just foolish,” said Schrödinger’s Progressive. “Also, on January 6th, a few hundred, mostly unarmed rednecks nearly toppled our fragile republic.”

Schrödinger’s Conservative is both mindful and oblivious of our racial history.

“Martin Luther King, Jr. would be rolling in his grave if he was still alive to witness Critical Race Theory, “ said Schrödinger’s Conservative. “Also, whoever said that ‘white Americans must recognize that justice for black people cannot be achieved without radical changes in the structure of our society’ and ‘I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate’ was probably a race-baiting Marxist who is not even worth a Google search.”

Schrödinger’s Progressive is both sympathetic and unsympathetic to racial inequity.

“Requiring proof of identity to vote is racist because such a mandate would disproportionately impact people of color,” said Schrödinger’s Progressive. “Also, New York City should be applauded for requiring proof of vaccination to enter businesses — even if only 35% of Black residents, ages 18–44, are vaccinated.”

To be honest, this thought experiment could go on forever.

But, if we are going to truly test the limitations of Schrödinger’s hypothesis, I highly recommend that we move into the realm of real-world experimentation: I propose that we lock up Schrödinger’s Conservative and Schrödinger’s Progressive inside the aforementioned box.

Otherwise, I might tell Schrödinger’s Cat to scoot over and make room for me.

— —

Jay Stooksberry is a writer and editor based in Delta, Colorado. His writing is available at jaystooksberry.com.